![]() Be Careful When You’re Drinking Alone. Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. She was a Black Panther then, accused by the People of the State of New York of plotting to blow up department stores and police stations. It was a fantastical charge. Breaking News News - get the latest from the Dallas News. Read it here first. The Beat Them at Their Own Game trope as used in popular culture. Our hero is really in a pickle this time. The latest villain uses a unique weapon. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking wipers, shitty ads, cowardly dogs, and more. Your letters: Steve: My wife shuts it down pretty early on weekends. I tend to stay up watching movies, listening to music, or cooking. Is it acceptable to get drunk at home, solo, during these missions? ![]() I’m not talking puking drunk.. Some of the best dad nights come when everyone else is asleep and you’re free to drink a six- pack and listen to CRANK SOME TUNEZ. I’m talkin’ Cheap Trick, ELO, maybe even a little Steppenwolf. Awwwwww shit yeah now this house is a ROCKIN’! The freedom is the real buzz. ![]() You know what I also do sometimes when it’s after dark and no one else is awake? That’s right. I dance all over the house. I’M A MANIAC. It’s a blast. StarCraft Remastered will be out on August 14, Blizzard just announced. There’s also the fact that repeated commands skew the math here. When I tell my kid to do something, I don’t just tell them once. My oldest kid had to make a. We’ve suggested running a Game of Thrones fantasy draft in the past, but Scott Meslow at GQ suggests something a bit simpler: a death pool. The premise is simple. Production and composition "Beat It" was composed by Michael Jackson for his Thriller album. Producer Quincy Jones had wanted to include a rock and roll song in the. McLane said that during the game, Zach Groen, an Eagles public relations coordinator who sits in the press box, told journalists sitting in McLane's row that they. The urge to drink alone grows as you get older, because there’s an enormous appeal in A) Drinking and B) Not having to talk to anyone and C) Not having to spend money on bars/cabs and D) Not even having to wear pants. I’ll put the game on mute, slip on some headphones, and then drink more Old Overholt than is acceptable for a man without company. It’s fun to imbibe to your heart’s content, but I got a strong feeling this is how I end up slipping and becoming one of those sad old dudes who has his own designated stool at the TGI Friday’s. It’s probably best to set some limits for yourself when drinking alone (and drinking in general, but alone too). I should really make a point of switching over to tea after the first eight or nine cocktails. It’s not like tea can stop me from unleashing the sick dance moves. Hannah: Over the course of an average week, which happens more often: 1) Your children follow a command that you have given them, or, 2) You follow a command that your children have given to you? I wanna say it’s the former, but that’s probably me being delusional. There are times when my kids will boss me around and I’ll just agree because I’m on autopilot, and then I stop and have an epiphany and go, “Hey wait a second! I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING BUTLER!” This happens, like, once a week, usually when the youngest kid is bitching at me to change the channel. Then I’m like, “Listen buddy, I am the dad here. You do what I say, and not the other way around. I could END YOU any time I want to, dammit.” Then the kid holds up his juice glass and I dutifully refill it like the indentured servant that I am. There’s also the fact that repeated commands skew the math here. When I tell my kid to do something, I don’t just tell them once. My oldest kid had to make a caterpillar out of marshmallows for his homework last week and it took days of hectoring him just to get him to sit down and stick some toothpicks into a pile of Jet- Puffeds (and not eat any). So for every one command I obey at the behest of my kid, there is a single command of mine that they will ignore the first 2. Every parenting book on Earth tells you to NOT repeat commands to your kids. And I really do try to avoid situations where I’m just nagging them to death. You want to put the kids in a position to succeed, and you want them to enjoy their work instead of being mercilessly browbeaten into it. Sometimes I have good runs where I phrase everything just right and the kids magically go along with what I say. But then, naturally, I will slip back into bad habits, because it’s often much easier to pester your kid, or do things for them, than to muster the herculean patience required to make them self- reliant. I’ll try to play it cool and be like, “Please clean your room,” and then not say anything else. And then, when they still haven’t done it nine hours later, I have visible smoke coming out of nostrils. I gotta get better. I gotta adhere to the rules of getting kids to listen, which are: Be consistent. Let your kid mess up if they’re hellbent on messing up. Remember that, 9. Never ask a kid to do anything because they’ll say no; just tell them what you want. Keep the words to a minimum because they stop listening after seven seconds. When all else fails, BRIBE THE FUCKERS. Adam: If either, do you prefer a brave dog or a cowardly dog? I say cowardly. My dog snuggles between. It’s heart- meltingly cute. You want a brave dog, and the reason why is because a cowardly dog is a frightened dog. You know what happens when a dog gets frightened, don’t you? That’s right: They go psycho on you. They bark and yelp and bite and whine and refuse to fucking walk when you need them to walk. It’s bad to have a dog that thinks it’s a cat. No one wants some asshole alpha dog who puffs his chest and barks at every other dog in the hood, but those dogs are secretly cowards, too. Those dogs will get real loud and brag about making huge real estate deals. What you want is a dog who is confident enough to NOT feel the need to bark at everyone, and to not need your attention every second of the day. You want a dog that is secure in his doghood. We had to hire a trainer for our soft, MILLENNIAL dog. The trainer taught the dog to walk beside him, with the leash slack instead of us always having to tug on it. And by the time the training session was over, that little dog was BRIMMING with confidence. He looked like he was busting into the party with a fresh keg. LET’S FUCKING DO THIS.” Now that’s a good dog. Russell: Throw Paul Mc. Cartney down on Pennsylvania Avenue unaccompanied. Based on his celebrity alone, do you think he can talk his way into the White House? If so, how far inside can he get, assuming his goal is the Oval Office? If Trump is home, he makes it all the way inside. The most important thing in Trump’s life is his fame. Being around/near other famous people only helps to amplify that fame. So all Mc. Cartney has to do is show up near the White House (they just closed off the pedestrian thoroughfare that lets you get super close to it. I’m Sir Pool Mc. Cahtney, uv The Bea- Ulls!” And even if the guard tells him to fuck off, Paul can just post a photo of himself trying to get inside to his Instagram. Fancy me trying to get into the White House, innit?!”Then TV will pick up the post, broadcast it, and Trump will see it because Trump watches cable news and binges on chicken tenders all day long. Instant access for Sir Paul. Trump would give him the full tour, then take a photo, and then brag about hanging with Mc. Cartney on Twitter. Other people not as good/loyal friends of his! Time to unleash airborne botulin bacteria on rest of England?”Alex: I also have a bad back (I’m 3. What are the worst things to do with a bad back that good back people are ignorant of? Anything else is playing with fire. Crunches. I did crunches once, it did nothing for my abs, but my lower back felt like a rusty hinge after. Laying on a soft couch where your ass sinks in a bit too far. You people with functioning spines do not understand the misery you can inflict on the rest of us with bad chairs. This is why I always gotta ask to sit in the front seat of an Uber, even if the driver looks at me funny for it. Those are torture. Those should be outlawed. New York City is nothing but an island full of shitty chairs. My friend took me to a pizza joint once that only had stools to sit on, and I nearly murdered him. EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SHOULD BE DESIGNED FOR MY COMFORT AND MINE ALONE. Also, wearing shoes is a big problem. I wear Merrell sneakers. They are dad shoes. I have had friends literally go WHAT ARE THOSE??? Do you think I like wearing those goddamn things? But I have no choice because every other shoe manufacturer outside of New Balance and Merrell wants to kill you. Sometimes I’ll see people walking around in sandals that have a sole that’s a millimeter thick and I start to ACHE. Have fun developing long term scoliosis, jackass!!! When it comes to chairs and shoes, I’m the princess and the pea. The slightest variation could cause a spinal earthquake inside my body. Sneezing also bad because there’s very little you can do to prevent a full body spasm. All I can do is brace for impact, like I’m about to get shot. NOT IN THE FACE YO! Sean: How hard does it need to rain before you’ll switch on the wipers? Are there times that you see this perfect array of perfectly clear drops on the window and just say “Yeah. This is ok.”? And just say fuck it for like 3. There are definitely times when I’ve pulled that because I have inadequate wiper blades that I am too cheap/lazy to have replaced. So I have to weigh whether or not turning on the wipers will impede my visibility MORE than the drops currently gathering on the windshield. If you’ve ever had bad wipers, you know that they don’t wipe the water away so much as smear it in new and unexpected patterns. So if it’s just intermittent rain, or some punk- ass mist, I leave the wipers off, at which point my wife will lean over and turn them on herself, which is an egregious violation of car protocol. Mutinous, even. She should be put in the brig. Anyway, feel free to be a rebel and leave the wipers off if you don’t think it’s worth the trouble. Frankly, I think 4. Andrew: If Back to the Future were rebooted for 2. Marty went back 1. Dr. Emmett Brown: Then tell me, future boy, who’s President of the United States in 2. Marty Mc. Fly: Donald Trump. Dr. Emmett Brown: Donald Trump? So if the reboot was 1. That’s the same year The Art of the Deal came out, which probably represents the height of Trump’s credibility as a businessman (he also hadn’t gone through his first divorce by then). I mean, I remember being a kid and thinking Donald Trump was the richest man on Earth. Billy Crystal used to do a bit where he pretended to be Trump walking around Manhattan and pointing out which buildings were his and which weren’t. I totally remember all of that. I was like OH WOW THAT GUY LIVES LARGE! Eleven- year- old me was very impressed. In fact, Trump’s whole life seems to be designed around actions would seriously impress any fifth grader.
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